he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
