I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
