I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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