Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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