So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My cat gives me a boner
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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