yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
