If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
operation harelip BJ is a go
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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