WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
