I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
