I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
