so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
