He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
