ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
