I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
