so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
