tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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