I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
