Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Bring me that man meat
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
