yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
