i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
