I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I'm really busy with my period
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