dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
There's always time for handjobs
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize