dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
