He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I have grass duct taped all over my body
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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