and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
