hotel room ftw
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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