Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
