One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
