saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
