she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
