Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize