So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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