and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
