obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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