paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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