please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
