stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
