Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
