Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
