twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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