A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
