Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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