I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
