In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
