Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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