I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
