picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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