I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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