he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
