Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
