I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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