Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
