Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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