you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
