My Higher Power is John Stamos
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
