I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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