With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
