Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
