you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
