1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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