How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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