she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
